HOW MUCH FUCKING STRONGER DO I HAVE TO BE?
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.
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| — | Jonathan Safran Foer (via theintentionalife) |
The spring of my sophomore year of college I was president of my university’s Students for Life chapter. The fall of my junior year of college I cut my ties with the pro-life movement. Five years later I have lost the last shred of faith I had in that movement. This is my story.
I was raised in the sort of evangelical family where abortion is the number one political issue. I grew up believing that abortion was murder, and when I stopped identifying as pro-life I initially still believed that. Why, then, did I stop identifying as pro-life? Quite simply, I learned that increasing contraceptive use, not banning abortion, was the key to decreasing the number of abortions. Given that the pro-life movement focuses on banning abortion and is generally opposed advocating greater contraceptive use, I knew that I no longer fit. I also knew that my biggest allies in decreasing the number of abortions were those who supported increased birth control use – in other words, pro-choice progressives. And so I stopped calling myself pro-life.
Days pass and pregnancy hormones subside and you come back. I did make the right choice. I love my unborn child but to keep it would be, in my opinion, the most selfish thing I could do. I am not financially stable, neither am I emotionally stable to care for a child. Bringing myself to that conclusion was terribly hard. I kept trying to come up with ways to make it work but at the end I couldn’t. The father told me he went through the same thing. After everything was done we just sat there on the bed and cried. Its opened my eyes to something I didn’t know I wanted that badly. I feel like I have a new motivator to get back into school and therapy. I want to be a mom. But I first have to deserve it. Ive set a goal for 27-29. I want to be married with a good job and a house of my own. The child I gave up, I feel, will always be with me. Maybe even have an opportunity to actually be born. And I’ve received so much support from tumblr so thank you guys. I thought I would get hate mail from Christians but none so far. So once again thank you guys for hearing me out when I felt so alone.
I’m sorry I can’t keep you. I love you so much already but I can’t keep you. If I did it would be so selfish. I dont have the means to take care of you neither am I emotionally stable enough to. I dont want the same experience I had growing up for you. I want you to have everything. And I can’t do that for you right now. Please forgive me. Please please please dont hate me.
Reflections
So I’m trying to do things more. Today I went home decor shopping with my mom and got a couple of things for my home. Also went to meet up the BF at his job so we can go home together. He seems to like when I do that. So now I’m home and since BF is sick, he’s hibernating the cold away. This is the first time He’s been sick since we’ve gotten this place and it scares the shit out of me. He tells me he’ll be fine but I’m watching him sleep struggling to breath with tears in my eyes. I hate him being sick, it makes me so nervous. Giving him every natural remedy in the book to help him get over the cold. I guess its the whole abandonment thing that’s rifling me up. I don’t want him to die but people don’t just die from colds.
